So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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