do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Come share oat with me in your robe
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
