brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think my moral compass just broke
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
