my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
