found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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