I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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