You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
