Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
