filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
