I faked an abortion last night.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
