Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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