I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
