i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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