hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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