He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
