Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
