I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
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We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
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Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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