Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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