Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
