Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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