I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
