Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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