My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
