I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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