wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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