Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
