Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
