why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
