I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
OPIZZABONMYDICK
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
