I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
