i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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