Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
