There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
