i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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