More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
