The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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