Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
