Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
