You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
