Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
