Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
