i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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