we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
