Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
