I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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