my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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