Just cropdusted the office
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
