I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
