ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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