I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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