i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
