walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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