i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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