Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
