left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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