Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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