i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
