You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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