I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
