I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
