3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
